i lost, pretty lost..

it's pretty hard to cry sometimes..
like now.. I'm too convious to sleep.. too dizzy to think..
do u ever think about doing something u hate?? like me.. smoking..
i used to hate smoker, smoking, and even smell the smoke.. but now?? when I'm too dizzy to think, too desperate to get rest.. i did something that i hate for all my rest of my life.. yeah, I was smoked today, pretty lost, desperate, convious, almost got a heartache!!

My project was cancelled and now.. I do still have to working on it for some money!! can u imagine it?? I don't want that money.. of course, i need it, but it's not about that money!! I need this project, the real project to be realized!! but.. that was cancelled and now, i have to keep finished it for mmoney!!!!!!!! hah!!!!!!!!!! yeah, I'm obsessed, pretty obsessed to see my own project be built!!

and the other project.. I'm loving it, I do love what I'm doing right now.. "skethcing up, and give them to my boss, get payed, then hear that would be built!!" I need to hear that thing.. but it didn't happen. All I have to do now is sketching up without knowing if that project will definitely built!! Even my boss still not sure about that.. What can I hold it up to now???? What am I working for?? I don't want to just get payed, and keep imagining it.. I need the real one!!!

God..!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where are you??????????